Wishing you were some how here again.

Dear Grandma,

Christmas has always been a special time for me and our family, but the last few years have been difficult.  The hard part usually starts when I sit down to write out our Christmas cards.  As I pass through the names divided alphabetically, I invariably make it to this page:

It's been almost 2 years since I sent anything to this address, and yet I just can't bring myself to erase it.

Then I had to choose some recipes to make for various gatherings.  Now our Christmas party at church wasn't going to involve any special recipes, I was way to busy planning the party to worry about bringing something involved.  But when it came to dinner on Christmas Eve I knew exactly what I wanted to make.  

Your stolen.

Now I had never made stolen before, and while it was one of my very favorite things to have at your house, I never helped you make it.  Almost immediately I realized how difficult it was going to be.

 

That's right, you had two recipes for stolen.  And while they are very similar, there are definitely differences.  And I had no idea which one to use.  But then it got worse, because I read the recipes, and I couldn't understand half of your instructions!  I didn't know what citron was (Mom later told me) and the instructions about the peals were very confusing.  Even the instructions on how to make the dough were hard to understand.  So I decided to have both on hand, and try to figure out how to make stolen.

I didn't have anyone to help me this time.  No daughter to assist, and make funny faces in the pictures or wear pajama shorts on her head.  I made the stolen alone.  Alone with my memories.  

I've always missed you.  I missed you when we were separated by a whole country.  I missed you when we were together but separated by the disease that stole you from us.  I've missed you horribly since you left to join Grandpa.  But I missed you the most when doing something so simple.  All I was doing was mixing some simple ingredients, and all I wanted was for you to be by my side.  Wishing you were some how here again.  Wishing I could hear your voice.  Wishing you could tell me your secrets.

It all started so simply

Scald some milk.  But I wasn't exactly sure what that meant.  I knew it wasn't boil, but in the end I had to make an educated guess.

Then I had started, but did it look right?  I didn't know.  And who could tell me?  No one else seems to have made this recipe before!

I let it sit and prayed that I had done it right.  That I had some of my Grandma's talent in my.  Obviously I have your recipes, but am I worthy of them?

 

I thought adding the fruit would make it stickier, but it was surprisingly non-stick.  Of course it could have been the pam I used because it's, well, non-stick. As far as I'm concerned it's much better then flour.  I always end up covered in flour when I go that route.

After letting it rise I added the butter to the rolled out dough.  I never knew there was butter in the stolen.  

Fold!!

Cover and let rise.  So your recipe didn't say cover, but your house wasn't infested with dogs and kids and such!  No one wants to eat delicious food that's dirty.

The only way I knew they had risen enough was because they looked like your stolen loaves, just not yet baked.  At this point I started to realize I was probably in the clear.

I was so excited when they came out of the oven.  I posted a picture on facebook and asked "who knows what these are?"  Dad of course knew, but I was surprised that Cathy knew.  Our Cathy has never tasted your stolen.  It make me sad to think that she came into our lives too late to fully enjoy knowing you.  

Well there it is Grandma.  Your stolen, made by your youngest grandchild.  I set out one loaf on Christmas Eve and gave the other three to Johnny's family as gifts.  I hope they enjoyed it.  I know I certainly did.

While knowing that Cathy never tasted your stolen, or rice pudding, or had your famous banana bread baked in your kitchen makes me sad; knowing that I did all these things and more makes me proud.

And yet, I still miss you terribly, and wish more then anything that you could be here again.  But then again, you're with Grandpa now.  And while you were lost here, in Heaven you are free.  For now I can remember that, look forward to when we're together again, and write you these letters.

Love

E

Practice makes perfect!!

Dear Grandma,
Things have been super crazy the past couple of weeks. Your Great-Grandson's 1st birthday is coming up the end of this month. And we have a very bad combination. H tends to be very cheap, and I tend to be a bit of an over-achiever and a wanna-be-DIY person. So I have a small budget and big ideas.

The theme is very appropriate, Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar. To save money I'm forgoing almost all decorations. By getting place settings in colors that fit with our theme I think the room will look very festive. I wasn't sure what to do about center pieces for the tables. Then I remembered a recipe of yours for honey popcorn balls.

Now I love popcorn balls, even though I haven't had one since I was a kid. I have actually tried making them once when I was a teenager. I ended up with a burned finger, and a bowl of popcorn with a lump of carmelish stuff in the middle. So while I thought making the popcorn balls was a great idea I was daunted by it too.

Then I thought of a way to make the popcorn balls the center pieces and the favors. I'm going to put them on sticks and arrange them so that they look like caterpillars!! I think it is a simple solution that will look fun.

So even though it has been on my "to do" list since last weekend, I finally got to make your honey popcorn balls tonight. I did not take any pictures. Johnny wasn't home to help me by taking them, and I knew that this would be a very messy project. Also, since you have to work with the popcorn quickly, I knew there wouldn't be any time to stop and take pictures.

I melted the brown sugar, honey and butter in the pot and made one bag of popcorn. Now your recipe calls for 6-10 cups of popcorn but honestly, what am I going to do with that many popcorn balls right now? So I stuck with just one, and this gave me a really good idea of how much sugar mixture would be needed.

I sorted out the unpopped kernels (an absolutely necessary step that is left out of your recipe) and then it was time to mix them together.

First I forgot to spray the spoon with pam so that it wouldn't all stick to the spoon. So I had to clean that one off and then get a new one out. I was concerned about the sugar mixture being too hot to handle, since I don't have a popcorn ball maker (something I had never heard of but apparently you have, since your recipe called for using one). But it wasn't too hot to handle.

I sprayed my hands with pam (again a necessary step that was left out of your recipe). And I set to work. I tried and tried but I couldn't get the popcorn to stick together. I even tried putting it into a small cup and applying as much pressure as I could. It just wouldn't stick together.

So April and I enjoyed a little bit of honey popcorn and then I started to clean it up, thinking about what I would do next. Would I try another recipe? Would I just order popcorn balls online ($50 for 100) or would I just package the honey popcorn in bags and make them look round? When I suddenly noticed that the popcorn was starting to stick together.

When I tried to shape the popcorn into balls the first time the sugar mixture must have been to hot to stick together properly!! (smacks forehead with non-stick palm)

So I managed to make 5 and 1/2 popcorn balls (one was really small). I think I can definitely use this recipe for Elliot's party. Then it will be like you're there with us. Though, actually you will be. You and Grandpa, looking down and wondering what all those Asian people are doing at your Great-Grandson's birthday party. Why, they're loving him of course, just like you!!

Love
E

 

Easy come, easy go

Dear Grandma,
I've really missed you this past week. Things have been difficult and I feel like a dark cloud has settled over our house. At times like these I wish you were here to cheer me up, to help with the kids, to play a game of cards to take my mind off of it all.

It's hard to be the one who has to share the stress, share the strain, share the concern and worry and yet be the only one who has to smile as if nothing is wrong. I love my family, I really do, and that's why I have to be strong for them. But sometimes I feel like I'm being strong for 2 instead of one.

I get the feeling that you might know what I'm talking about.

When I picked this recipe I had a really strict criteria to go by. Something that I already had all the ingredients for. That turned out to be brownies.

Now I honestly don't remember you ever making brownies. Though I'm sure you did. Apparently Kathryn Sowa was kind enough to give you this recipe. It's a good recipe but I must say that one of Aunt Kathryn's suggestions is dead wrong. These brownies are delicious (as a brownie should be) but they are really messy. After baking they crumble extremely easily. I would never wrap them individually "for a lunch pail..." If I sent April to school with one of these brownies, she would have come home with a hideous mess.

This time around I did take a few pictures, but April had figured out that her pajama shorts make a great chef's hat. So there aren't a lot of nice, serious pictures.

 Have you ever seen someone so excited to make brownies?!!?  Maybe because she knew this was coming...

I know, I know, there are raw eggs in the batter.  But if you won't tell Johnny, I won't tell him either!!

They looked gorgeous, and letting them sit for an hour was very difficult.  But we managed.

Oh and April told me that wearing her pajama shorts as a chef's hat is a way to recycle.  Your Great-Granddaughter is very environmentally conscious.

None of these brownies were sent to school in April's Care Bear lunch box.  They were all consumed at home, and were enjoyed by all (except Johnny because he prefers cake.  Well, NUTS to him)!!  I thought of you one day while we were at the table having our snack.  What it would have been like to have you there with us.  I would have enjoyed that, and I know you would have too. 

One day we'll sit together again.

Love
E

Why is the second always so difficult?

Dear Grandma,
I often wonder why the second is so difficult. No I'm not talking about Elliot, though he does tend to be a challenge. I'm talking about the second... well anything. It seems that I always get so nervous and worked up over the first of something. The first day of school, the first meeting, the first time going some place new. And then the first time always goes so smoothly. But then we get to the second, and it all blows up. Well, that might be an exaggeration. But it's never as good as the first.

Two days ago I made another one of your recipes. It was the second, yes the dreaded second. Now as far as being food was concerned, it went really well. But as far as being a topic for these letters, it didn't go so well. Hmmmm, let me see if I can explain.

When I made banana bread I made it with April. We talked through the whole process, talked a lot about you and how we used to make banana bread together, and I even took pictures to show you.

With this recipe I didn't have April's help at all, I didn't have anyone to talk to, and I forgot to take pictures. Though we have a chance tomorrow since there is one serving left, and Elliot loves it!!

Johnny has been giving Elliot canned soup. And I am totally against that. There is so much sodium and preservatives in canned soup, that I didn't want him feeding it to a little boy. So I said I would make some soup.

I went through the handful of your recipes that I've placed in your small wooden box (having taken them out of the red cookie tin) and quickly found a recipe for vegetable soup. I got all the ingredients and realized that most of the prep would be chopping. I had to tell April that she couldn't help me with that. She got a little mopey and decided to watch a movie instead of helping me later on.

I did not, I will admit follow your recipe. I sauteed the veggies prior to putting them in the soup pot. Why? Because I have a fear that if I don't sautee something in olive oil and add garlic it will have no flavor. Sorry about that Gram, but phobia's are hard to get around.

But other then that I did stick to the recipe. Right down to cooking the bacon and then cooking the onions in the bacon fat. And then adding the onions and bacon fat to the pot.

Now Johnny loves bacon more then any man really should love a food. But when he heard that there is no stock for the soup, just water, he said it wouldn't taste good. When it was all done he agreed that it tasted good. But he also agreed with me. You see I had a sneaky suspicion that all the tasty goodness in the soup (and there was a lot of tasty goodness) came from the massive amount of fat/oil in it. So in actuality I did talk about you for a minute. I may have wondered aloud how you managed to not weigh 400lbs with recipes like this one.

So yes, I made your vegetable soup with bacon Gram. And we loved it. Elliot has had it at least once a day since I made it (the potatoes are his favorite), along with his daily helping of wood (he's been eating his crib). And tomorrow someone will eat the last serving for lunch. But I won't be making this recipe again, at least not without some major alterations and substitutions.

If nothing else it will save me some labor. The next day I had to take a very large amount of congealed fat off the top. Not something I want to do before eating!!

It was difficult making the soup, but it was a labor of love.  The only issue is that now Johnny expects me to make an endless assort of soups for Elliot (wink wink, nudge nudge).  I wonder if this could be made into a Monty Python sketch.  I think I'll have English Land Army girls working at a lunch counter and every time some one goes through the gigantic list of soups, they'll break out singing/chanting "soup, soup, soup, soup". 

A lesson for my children... Grandma's soup is better then Spam, though maybe not as funny.

Love
E

Like an old friend coming for a visit...

Dear Grandma,
I guess I never realized how long it takes for bananas to turn brown. It seems like when I want them to be good to eat they turn really fast, and now when I wanted them to be brown they took a long time. Or perhaps my bananas were like you pot of water, the one that never boiled because someone was looking at it.

It seems like we've been really busy the last week or so, but when I look back on the time I'm just not sure exactly why. We didn't do anything unusual, but the days seem to be so much fuller. Maybe that's just because the summer will be ending soon.

That's right, school starts next week. Not for me unfortunately, but for April. Can you believe she's going to be in First grade?! She really enjoys school and is excited to be going back. I'm excited for her to go back to school but not for the 7:45 start time. Who decided that an elementary school should start so early? Someone who was crazy is my guess.  And I'm pretty sure you agree with me, though perhaps Grandpa thinks 7:45 is a bit on the late side?!

Elliot has started talking. I think it is so funny that we spend months trying to get our babies to say certain words and then the words they choose to speak are so random. April's first word was "baby" and to this day I have no idea why. Elliot's words are "yum", "doggie", "up" and "hi-ya", yeah, like he's doing Kung Fu. Now "yum" makes sense. I had to teach him that word because he had picked up the habit of screaming at the top of his lungs in between bites at meal time. That got old really quickly. So I taught him "yum" and he picked it up pretty quickly. Then he started screaming "YUM" at the top of his lungs. That got old even faster. This is definitely your son's grandson!! But even if "yum" can be understood where did all these other random words come from. Johnny is convinced that he picked up "hi-ya" from April watching The Muppets. Miss Piggy is actually very violent and karate chops her adversaries quite often. But I think it has little to do with any pigs.

Well yesterday the bananas were finally ready. Actually, that's a lie. The bananas were ready on Wednesday, but by the time we were ready to get started it was late and April had to go to bed. I just couldn't imagine making your banana bread without her. So we waited one day.

The whole thing started the way it always does when I make your banana bread: the search for something to mash the bananas with. I know, I know, I should just get a potato masher, it's what you always used, but I always forget. Except, of course, when I'm actually making the banana bread. April was very excited for she had the very important job of mashing the bananas:

Note her very appropriate rice scooper outer, spoon type took.  Hey, it worked!!

Once that was done the whole thing went pretty smoothly. I rarely ever sift the flour but since the recipe card called for that, I did it this time. I know there is less flour in it when you sift, but I'm just not sure how much of a difference it makes.

Here's a picture after we poured it in the pans, just so you can look at my spiffy new bread pans:

It was great to smell the banana bread as it was baking, and it made me think of you and your house. It always seemed to smell like something was in the oven, even when you weren't making anything. But time does funny things to our memory, something you know a lot about.

And another fan of your banana bread has been found:

 Honestly, how could he resist (though truthfully we have found very little that he can resist)!!

And while I couldn't share my grandma with my kids I can share the next best thing...

Love
E

Getting started

Today I went to choose our first recipe. I keep all your recipes in the red cookie tin. The one that was always full of delicious treats, even after you stopped baking. But as I stared at the hundreds of recipes I realized I couldn't just reach in and randomly pick one. I don't think you would randomly pick a recipe, chances are you never randomly picked anything. So how could I start cooking your recipes that way?!

So that left me with the big question, "well then, where do I start?" I thought about it for a little while, and then it hit me, hard, in he face. It's so obvious, how could it have taken me so long to figure it out?!

Banana Bread.

Sure I've made your recipe a lot in the past, but that doesn't matter. I don't think I made it until after you had stopped. So of course this will be the first time I'll be able to talk to you about it.

So I went out today and bought some bananas. More then 6, though (I always eat a few). I'll have to wait a few days for them to get brown and then we'll get started.

I never thought I'd be so excited to watch bananas turn brown!!

Love
E

Am I too late, or is this the perfect time?

Dear Grandma,
About a year ago I thought up the idea for this blog.  A series of letters written to you from so far away.  I thought about how the distance between us had to do with so much more than miles.  I knew that my letters would never penetrate the fog in which you lived.  And yet, I wanted to write to you.  I wanted to share with you.  I wanted to do all the things I imagined as we were spending time together when I was growing up.  The secrets and joys we would share.  The tight hugs and tear stained cheeks.

Now you are gone, and some would say I've waited too long.  But I don't see it that way.  I believe that now my letters will reach you.  I can imagine you sharing them with Grandpa.  How the two of you will laugh over my foibles, smile at the kids antics and finally get to know Johnny better.

So here goes.  Letters to you, my Grandma.

Love
E